The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.