If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.