Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]