I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
A woman drives into a bar.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’