Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
True statement👍😏😁
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.