*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
is this store having a stroke wtf
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.