14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.