Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.