If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal