4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic