The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV