Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.