In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
This is always good for a laugh.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries