Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn