*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Home #decor warning.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
No laws when master is gone
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made