I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
You Might Also Like
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
We need more people like this.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes