ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I love you…
…r dog.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If a snake ate a cake
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.