Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?