Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
In space, no one can hear…
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head