Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me, flirting😏
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.