date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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Phones down.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?