Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues