Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.