HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
For anyone who needs this today
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!