We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Yes, this is exactly right
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.