Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Simple
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
PLOT TWIST:
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish