Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
🙋♀️
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The pasta is now
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”