[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.