My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
You Might Also Like
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation