Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”