Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish