[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
New menu item
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.