Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Damn what did I do next
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.