If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You Might Also Like
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
For the orator and chef in all of us
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’