Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Put a ring on it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk