TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’m ready for Halloween this year