11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Tastes like chicken.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
respect
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”