All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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When someone says you are so lazy
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.