Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.