[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot