Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight