We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
You Might Also Like
Self-cleaning conscience
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”