Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You Might Also Like
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!