[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Come back with a warrant
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I’m Sold!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.