I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.