Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
gm
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.