I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’ve been drinking.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first