Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!