I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.