When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I think this should do it.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The booster protects against what, now?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”